Talking it Out

Talking about the disaster is the biggest and best form of intervention and lucky for us, something that we can do as parents. It may seem like an easy thing to discuss now, but after the event has past it may be very difficult to talk about it. So how do you talk about the elephant that demolished the room?

—       Start by asking them what they know or have heard. Then you will have an understanding of their level of comprehension and be able to correct any inaccurate information.

—       Clarify misunderstandings of risk and danger, and provide accurate information.

—       Make age appropriate explanations – be simple and direct. If you've educated them on the disaster previous to its occurance you can remind them of the activities, books or movies that were used. (For example: "Remember when Bill Nye did the experiment with the boiling syrup and the continents moved")

—       Be honest in your answers and information – don’t be afraid to say I don’t know. Work together to find the answers to their questions.

—       Be prepared to have multiple conversation or to repeat explanations- it’s a way of asking for reassurance, and testing for consistancy. (This applies to life with children in general).

—       Validate their thoughts, feelings, concerns, and reactions. Let them know that you think they are important. Let them know that how they feel is ok and normal, and that they are not the only ones with those fears and emotions. This goes beyond words to an increase in hugs, expressions of appreciation, and praise.

—       Maintain an open environment - be ready to talk at any time and answer all their questions (I don't know is still an answer).

—       Be consistent and reassuring

—       Don’t make unrealistic promises - you can't say it will never happen again because you have no control over that or that you won't let anything happen to them. But you can say you will always be there to help them, and for them to talk to and that you promise you are doing your best to take care of them and make things right again.

—       Remember they learn from your example, including responses and conversations with other adults – so its not just in your conversations with them that these things apply.

—       Express your feelings as well – don’t overwhelm them, but remember it’s a conversation questions and answers should go both ways. When you say I'm scared too, and worried you give them permission to accept their own emotions, but you set an example when they see you deal with those emotions effectively.

—       Extend multiple invitations to talk (whether taken or not) - remember it may take time for them to open up and there may be new concerns, misconceptions, or fears that will arise as the recovery process continues.

—       Listen! – listen for their underlying fears and concerns so that you can address and remedy them

—       Discuss preparedness plans – focus on what you can do now to be prepared rather than the could haves and should haves. Extend that conversation to what organizations and the community are doing now to keep everyone safe, now and in the future.

—       Don’t confront their way of dealing with things – if they don’t want to talk, fine. If your 5 year wants to play, that’s cool. You can’t force a therapy session.

—       Emphasize their resilience – Help them see what they’ve done in the past to overcome stress and scary situations and how they can use them now. Direct them to other communities that have suffered similar disasters and how they have or are overcoming them

—       Encourage them to express and talk about the disaster – let them express it how and when they like. They can use art, play, writing, journals, poetry, music – doesn’t matter as long as they have the opportunities to get it out. It is essential to health coping. If it’s a man made disaster (war included) they can write to other families affected, newspapers, or government officials.

—       The best thing you can do is to be present, calm and honest. Remain calm and reassuring – be honest about the situation, what it means for your family, and for them. But emphasize that you will clean up, rebuild, and eventually things will get back to normal and that those who love them are doing everything they can to protect them and keep them safe. Be honest about the consequences of the disaster and what they mean for your family.

—       Don’t minimize their concerns- just because you tell them not to worry about it doesn't mean it will go away. Use it as an oppurtunity to discuss their concerns, teach, and love them.

—       Discuss factual information before and after the disaster, be specific concerning your disaster.

—       Find out what their fears and concerns are – being alone? Picture falling on them? Etc address each one and work together to overcome them. Be careful not to try the throw you in the water till you learn to swim approach if it seems like a minor concern or fear. Be supportive and accepting in helping them either overcome or rememdy the fear. Example: they're scared something will fall on them - have them help you bolt pictures and furniture to the wall.

—       Responses differ and may not always be compatible within a family unit. Be aware and supportive and patient, if needed seek friends outside to discuss events with while waiting for children or spouse to process and open up.

—       Avoid ruminating on the event and feelings by providing activities and diversions. Focus on the decisions and actions that can strengthen them and the family. The brain can only handle so much, give it a time to rest and process (like a recess at school).