Coping with Grief

This cycle is fairly universal. Children may manifest them differently than an adult, look beyond the behavior to the underlying emotions.

Normal cycle of grief

1. disbelief and denial
2. numbness may occur and allow a slow realization and processing
3. realization brings distress and feelings of missing them
4. anger
5. anxiety about living without them
6. mourning
7. gradual heal

This cycle can last for long periods and may come and go. Remember this is normal. Trauma can make this process more difficult – due to own injury’s, survivor guilt, personal trauma, loss of social support and familiar community. Memories may trigger the disaster as well as the deceased.

How to help

—       Let them choose to attend the funeral. Don’t force them either way. Choices are important. This choice applies to whether to view the body as well. Use discretion as it can be graphic, however take into consideration that it can be very healing. Those who see the body despite injuries have rarely regret it.

—       Encourage them to memorialize the deceased in a special way- scrapbooks, prayers, stories, candle lighting, etc.

—       Let them express their grief in their own way. They may appear unaffected. Preschoolers will have difficulty understanding. Ages 5 and up will grieve more like an adult. They will express their grief in their play as well.

—       Despite your personal grief it is important to be there for them – your absence will make things worse. Remember you need each other.

—       Loved ones should spend as much time as possible with the child – allowing free expression.

—       Don’t force them to talk about their feelings. Let them know that you’re there, you love them and will listen when they are ready.

—       Be honest and only offer details they can understand (medical descriptions are too much).

—       Allow them to express their fears concerning death and validate them.

—       Listen and offer simple expressions of sorrow and grief.

—       Maintain schedules and routines.

—       Be patient – their grief will repeat itself, as will your own. Be more conscious of reminders like birthdays, anniversaries, death dates, etc. as symptoms of grief or trauma will be more likely to resurface. Be sure you’re more available at those times and maybe create a special tradition to help cope, and morn on those occasions.

Resources for help include the Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families and there are numerous other similar organization exist around the country they can be found online at www.dougy.org (503)775-5683 (in the Portland/Vancouver Area). There are numerous institutions nation wide modeled after this organization.